5 lessons from a death doula

Alua Arthur has one of the most fascinating backgrounds I’ve ever heard about, and her life’s work offers much wisdom for living intentionally.

A recovering attorney turned death doula, Arthur founded Going with Grace, a death doula training and end-of-life planning organization. Death doulas serve as guides through the dying process, both for the individual dying and for their loved ones. They work alongside medical professionals to address end-of-life tasks and to offer support as people make peace with any lingering thoughts or regrets.

I imagine the work of death doulas to be equal parts purposeful and emotionally draining. And I can’t imagine they’re paid enough to be such critical support during life’s last moments.

Nonetheless, I spent some time with Alua Arthur’s memoir, Briefly Perfectly Human: Making an Authentic Life by Getting Real About the End, over the last couple of weeks, and who better to learn from about living an intentional life than someone who repeatedly bears witness to the end?

Here are 5 life lessons from a death doula related to living more intentionally:

1. Death offers context for finding meaning in life, but defining meaning is an individual journey that requires work. We’re on this journey at the same time, but never walking the same path. You get to decide what makes life meaningful.

2. Love is the topic of contemplation for many at the end of life. Not whether one worked enough. Not whether one received enough awards and accolades. Arthur wrote, “Nearing the end of life, I have observed that people are concerned with three major questions: Who did I love? How did I love? Was I loved?”

3. Being “busy” all the time is a distraction. Never get so caught up in the daily business of living that you lose sight of the preciousness of this moment.

4. Our bodies give us information all the time. They tell us to lean in when we find something that brings us feelings of flow, ease, and wonder (in alignment). When you feel excited about something, listen. They also tell us when something isn’t working (misaligned), if we’re brave enough to pay attention.

5. Waiting comes without guarantee, so postpone wisely. For many of us, life is a series of waiting until we have more [time, money, energy, courage] to do the things we have always dreamed of. But our brains forget that future times might not arrive. Don’t delay everything, okay?

Are you doing the work to find and create meaning in your life? Are you surrounded by love and loving others? Do you fill your calendar and run around telling everyone how busy you are all the time to avoid the heart work? Is your body giving you a sign you’re ignoring? Are you postponing your one precious life?

Don’t wait until death comes knocking on your or a loved one’s door to answer these questions as I did. There’s no time like today to get started. In the wise words of Alua Arthur, we are all briefly perfectly human (emphasis on “briefly”).

In case you missed it (ICYMI)

Last week’s poll: pre-event dread

In last week’s issue, I shared a secret I hate admitting: I almost always dread events and commitments when they actually arrive (no matter how excited I was about them when I signed up)—shoutout to good ol’ affective forecasting.

Thankfully, it appears I’m not alone! (And this was my most responded to poll yet, so thanks for playing.)

I’m Alyssa Towns, and this is Time Intentional, a newsletter exploring what it means to spend our limited (and precious) time intentionally. Extend your love and support by sharing this newsletter with someone you know, or…

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