Enough is not a feeling

Chidi Anagonye from The Good Place always has a stomachache and a solid bout of analysis paralysis. As an ethics professor who spent his life studying how to make the right choices, he ironically became less capable of deciding. He always considered the future and would defer living in and enjoying the present if needed.

Contrast Chidi with Eleanor Shellstrop, the notorious present-tense decision-maker, never considerate of future consequences. She didn’t agonize, and she didn’t defer—the complete and polar opposite of Chidi.

There comes a point when too much of anything is too much. For Chidi, it’s too much overthinking. For Eleanor, it’s too much present-living without consideration of her future.

But perhaps in the middle of Chidi and Eleanor, we can find a place that feels “just right,” or what Swedes refer to as “lagom.”

Translated roughly, “lagom” means “just the right amount.” According to Visit Sweden, “lagom” is about “doing things mindfully and avoiding excess,” more than doing less. It’s finding that “happy middle,” or what society touts as “living in moderation.”

What “lagom” teaches us that “moderation” often misses, though, is that active discernment is necessary for knowing and defining what “just right” actually means to us (unique to every person).

People don’t live through the lens of “just right” because “enough” is a personal definition that often goes undefined. We reach the bars that we or society sets for us, and then we move them higher. We’re far less likely to place a self-imposed ceiling of sorts because we believe we have to strive for more. But when is enough, enough?

The part I find most challenging is that practicing “lagom” requires data. It requires rigorous self-examination so that, when our gut instincts shift with our mood, circumstances, and external sources, we know where our individual bar is (and yes, it’s personal). Here’s what I mean:

• We need to know what “enough” savings for retirement means to us, so we don’t unintentionally live so frugally that we don’t enjoy the present, or postpone activities that have a time-sensitive window

• We need to know what “enough” in social plans means to us, so we can enjoy each other’s company without overdoing it

• We need to know when we have “enough” material possessions so we can prevent excessive consumption

• We need to know when we have completed “enough” work for the day, so we can ensure we don’t overwork or miss out on the world right in front of us

• We need to know what “enough” exercise, nutrition tracking, or self-optimization means to us, so we don’t turn well-being into another form of overconsumption

• We need to know what “enough” information means before making a big purchase, so we don’t fall into researching indefinitely

• We need to know what “enough” structured activity means for each child individually, to ensure they have enough time for self-discovery and play, alongside what we suggest they do

True “lagom” requires setting confines around our lives, unique to us and the season we’re in. “Everything in moderation” is vague, but “lagom,” and knowing what “just the right amount” is, can help us create space for our many values without leaning too far in one direction. It’s harder to do, but more worthwhile than living in extremes.

I can’t tell you what “enough” looks like for you, but I hope you’ll consider setting some value-aligned ceilings for yourself. And when you are in a situation teetering near one extreme, return to “lagom” until you find the place that feels “just right.”

Time well spent: weekly roundup

I’m only sharing two resources this week because they’re so good that they deserve an extra-bright spotlight! 🔦

• An internet stranger with whom I have now exchanged a few messages with (😊), Callum Macauley-Murdoch, inspired today’s topic. Business Insider published Callum’s essay, “My dad died at 56 and never made it to retirement. The 3 lessons he taught me changed my own plans and perspective,” earlier this week. It echoes many of my changed perspectives post-loss, but he expressed one of them much better than I ever could: Build a life that gives you choices. I used to hate the idea of saving for retirement. But resources of all kinds give us choices both now and in the future. It’s not either/or; it’s both.

• My brilliant friend, Rachel Bicha, defines “enough” with minimum and maximum income targets, seasonal goals, and the occasional sabbatical. Learn how she brings “lagom” to life in her freelance business in Ep. 19 of Freelance Cake. (I would also be remiss not to mention Rachel’s monthly print newsletter — yes, real snail mail!)

Your next intentional move

• How has loss or uncertainty shaped your relationship with time, money, or retirement?

• If you trusted that “enough” is truly enough, how would you design your life differently?

Check out the full list of intentional prompts and share it with someone you love!

I’m Alyssa Towns, and this is Time Intentional, a newsletter exploring what it means to spend our limited (and precious) time intentionally. Extend your love and support by sharing this newsletter with someone you know, or…

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