Can parallel play save us?

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Wrapped in my mint green Minky Couture blanket with my Kindle* in hand, I melt into the couch and take a deep breath for what feels like the first time all day. Reading gives me solace and a focal point away from the endless hellscape of bad news and fear-mongering on the internet.

Only two feet away, my husband learns about everything from how to heal IT band syndrome to where to find the best wings in Denver on YouTube. Learning and choosing what information to consume helps him silence the noise of the workday and put his free time to good use.

We are not engaging with one another. We are playing in parallel. And it’s a profound act of love.

In child development, parallel play is a stage (around ages 2-4) in which children play side-by-side, often with similar toys, but without interacting, sharing, or engaging with one another. They play independently in the same area and learn to be aware of others. It’s a crucial stage for learning social skills while building independence.

And there’s something to be said for parallel play for adults, especially in an era riddled by disconnection, loneliness, isolation, and rampant cognitive exhaustion.

In conversations, I’m hearing repeatedly that energy tanks are low or, worse, fully depleted. People are canceling plans or foregoing making them altogether, spending free hours glued to screens, postponing hobbies to “someday,” and ultimately checking out. It’s hard not to. Planning and preparing for social interactions feels heavy.

But spending time intentionally with the people we love and care about most doesn’t have to look or feel a certain way. It doesn’t require polished behavior, perfect outfits, or unbroken eye contact. It doesn’t have to add more to our cognitive load when our brains feel at the brink of implosion. That’s where adult parallel play can make a difference, helping us stay connected when constant external factors make us feel otherwise.

We’ve inherited a specific idea of what “spending time together” should look like: eye contact, conversation, shared activity, and undivided attention. These expectations show up in how we talk about date nights and family dinners, and “being present.” Parallel play doesn’t fit that template. It can read, at least on the surface, as neglect or disconnection. But this belief doesn’t account for how beneficial it can be to feel close to another human being, without pressure. Parallel play reveals that intimacy and quality time contain layers that don’t require 100% effort all the time to keep the relationship alive.

Parallel play reframes connection as something that can happen in the margins of our lives: two people in the same living room, a friend on a video call while you both do different things, a day at the park where everyone engages in their own book or activity. These moments don’t always look like intentional connections according to cultural definitions, but we have access to them all the time, and they can certainly be meaningful.

Spending time intentionally doesn’t look the same in every season. We are collectively tired in a way that feels hard to name. But maybe this season isn’t about doing more together, but simply being together more. Less performance, more presence. Less doing, more being alongside. In a depleted season, it just might save us.

Time well spent: weekly roundup

1. I worked a lot this week, and when I do, I feel like my life isn’t all that interesting! (What does that say about me?) However, I co-hosted a webinar with my friend Lynn for Speakap this week on frontline communications. Despite the early-morning wake-up call, I left feeling energized and accomplished.

2. I’m back in my role as an Oliver Burkeman fan girl after reading this issue of his newsletter, The Imperfectionist: Nobody’s ever ready. If you read the whole BIG THINGS ARE HAPPENING fear-mongering piece about AI a couple of weeks ago, I encourage you to read this.

3. I’m a human, and I don’t take enough breaks, and my eyes dry from staring at my dumb little screens all the time. So one evening, I took a hot shower, put on a cozy pair of pajamas, and spread out on the couch in silence with one of these steam eye masks*. (Silence and stillness in this economy?! I know.) 10/10 would recommend.

Your next intentional move

• When your life feels “uninteresting,” what story are you telling yourself, and is it true?

• How can examining different perspectives on the same topic help you make better-informed, intentional decisions in your own life?

• When was the last time you gave your body proper rest instead of just distraction?

Check out the full list of intentional prompts and share it with someone you love!

A quick note from my friends at Morning Brew before you go…

I’ve been a Morning Brew fan for so long that I have a sheet of “Brew Votes” stickers and feel moderately confident they’re from the 2020 presidential election year. I can’t seem to verify this online, but that should tell you how long I’ve enjoyed reading Morning Brew. Check out the newsletter below!

I’m Alyssa Towns, and this is Time Intentional, a newsletter exploring what it means to spend our limited (and precious) time intentionally. Extend your love and support by sharing this newsletter with someone you know, or…

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